by Marisa Broughton, MCHT, MNLP

Are we obligated to help someone in need? What if it’s the same person over and over again? Is this person helpless or just helping themselves to our good will?

First, let me specify that the type of incidents or favors that I am referring to in this article are those outside the range of "emergency situations". Of course, what may be considered an emergency to one, may not even qualify on the crisis meter of another.

Doing someone a favor is a choice and never an obligation. The rule of thumb is simple: If you choose to help someone, do so only in a manner that you are comfortable with. It’s perfectly okay to say, "I’m not comfortable doing this, but I will do that."

If doing a favor for someone causes you to feel resentment towards the person and consequently compromises the relationship, then you are better off politely declining. After all, if the relationship is jeopardized (in your mind) whether you do the favor or not, then there is little gain in putting yourself through the stress of doing something you don’t want to do. Although, sometimes we find ourselves in situations doing the odd favor for close friend when we don’t really want to, but it’s more the exception and not the rule. If that close friend became too demanding and did not reciprocate the favor, then a problem would surely develop.

Tom got a call from Ralph (his brother-in-law) asking if he would go pick up his wife at the shopping mall. Apparently she spent all her money (including bus money) on Christmas presents and now needed to get home.

Is Tom obligated to help Ralph? If Ralph and Tom had a close, healthy relationship, one of mutual respect - give and take, then yes, it would be appropriate for Tom to help Ralph if he could.

Ralph calls Tom only when he wants something and also speaks badly of Tom when he is not around. Tom was feeling used by Ralph and therefore wasn’t comfortable with doing the favor. Tom rationalized accurately, that if his car wasn’t working, Ralph’s wife would still have over-spent and be in the same predicament. Tom is not responsible for the poor decisions that Ralph’s wife makes.

Families often have unspoken rules such as "families should always help family members". The same rule of thumb applies regardless of anyone else’s rules or expectations and once again, that is: If you choose to help your family or anyone, you should help them in only whatever capacity you are comfortable with.

Tom’s family consists of an alcoholic father who stood by and did nothing as his wife (step mother to the children) beat the children. Ralph, the youngest is a drug addict. Henry, the second youngest male is a con artist and coke addict. Susan is a drug addict and has had her children removed (more than once and now permanently) by social services and Betty, has some behavioral problems but is the most functional next to Tom.

Tom being the oldest and held the role of protector and caregiver while they were growing up. Being victims of abuse formed a bond of necessity and survival for the children. For the longest time, Tom felt obligated to help out his brothers and sisters who are now adults, capable of taking care of themselves. The time of Tom helping his siblings has past, they are now capable of helping themselves. Unfortunately, none of them except Tom chose to get psychological help and now, they live dysfunctional lives and threaten to impose a burden on Tom asking for all sorts of favors. Tom decided that he didn’t mind helping his family members out from time to time but not at the expense of his own well-being. Tom refuses to allow his family or anyone take advantage of him. He protects himself by helping them in a manner that he is comfortable with. Sometimes he says no and sometimes he sets up a barter with the members of the family.

There are two noteworthy points mentioned in the above paragraph that warrant a closer look. First, it’s crucial that you avoid putting yourself in a martyr role. If you find yourself tending to fall into the role of self-sacrifice, then it’s eminent that you recognize your behavior is harmful to yourself and change it. Note that there is often secondary gain attached to self-sacrifice. In other words, there is a hidden motive, something you hope to get in return for your efforts. Perhaps it’s perhaps recognition, attention, love, sympathy or even revenge (i.e., I’ve made this sacrifice for you and hurt myself in the making, I hope you feel bad). Whatever your positive intention is behind sacrificing your own well-being – it’s rarely worth the price you pay.

Second, it’s essential to keep in mind that you are the only one who is responsible for ensuring that no one takes advantage of you. It is you that sets up the rules of acceptable behavior in your relationships by your actions and reactions to how others treat you. If you let someone use you, then they will continue to do so until you stop them…or you run out of resources and then they go away.

Listen to your inner voice and feelings – if you feel that you are being used or taken advantage of – then you need to address the problem. If the relationship is unbalanced with you doing most of the giving, you do have a few options on what to do:

• You could stop giving until you get something back.

• You may be able to discuss the problem with the person (though in some relationships it may be awkward).

• You could attempt to balance the scales by asking the other person for a favor, which also teaches the person that there is give and take in the relationship.

• You could decline the next time the person asks. You could tell them that you are unavailable. Remember that you are under no obligation to explain your reasons and if pushed, there is nothing wrong in saying, "I don’t want to."

• You could make the favor conditional. Example: I’ll drive if you buy coffee.

If you do someone a favor and expectations something in return, you have two options. Either communicate your expectation or do nothing, hoping they reciprocate and then accept that you may be disappointed.

When Tom does a favor for an acquaintance (different rule apply to close friends) he says something like, this first time I’ll do it for free and next time we’ll have to discuss a price or barter for the favor.

I noticed that people tend to feel more comfortable with people who are upfront with them because they always know where they stand and don’t have to guess.

We often make the mistake of assuming we know how others feel and what their motives are. Often we are wrong and we are jumping to false conclusions, creating a huge incident in our mind and then reacting to that created incident instead of the reality. The reality is that someone asked us for a favor and we really want to say, "No". Yes, the person may be disappointed that we didn’t want to help them and if the friendship is that fragile that it will collapse because of one undone favor, then the relationship is already on shaky ground.

I have noticed that people that tend to ask others for a lot of favors and frequently, tend to not be very good at offering compensation for the favor. These are the people that you need to take a tough stance with or else you may end up as one of their servants. If they are a friend and you name a price or a favor expected in return, they’ll be okay with it. If they are not a true friend, they’ll find an excuse and make themselves scarce. That’s okay, you are much better off without them.

What if the friend accepts the condition but doesn’t follow through on their end of the bargain? Then the next time they ask you for a favor, you have a good reason to say, "Sorry, not until you repay me for the other favor I did for you". It puts the responsibility right back into their court and also teaches them that you hold them accountable to their promises.

Some of us have parents that become very needy (and cranky) as they grow older. I realize how tough it can be to say no to a parent because we feel that we owe them for looking after us all those years. Always remember that it was their responsibility to look after us, not our privilege to be looked after. We are not obligated to sacrifice our life, marriage or freedom to look after an ailing parent just because they are our parent. Some parents are quite selfish and expect it, while other parents enjoy their independence and fight our efforts to look after them. I prefer the latter.

Some parents go the extra mile for us even after we are adults. Make an effort to keep the scale balanced and repay the favors as they occur. If in question, ask if there is a condition or expectation for the favor ahead of time because then you’ll be able to decide whether or not the price of the favor is too high.

Just because someone wants something from you does not mean that you have to give it. Compromise if you can. Negotiate the favor into a manageable chunk – something that you feel okay with. If you resent it, then you are not okay with it and need to get back to the negotiating table.

If you play the martyr, then both you and the other party lose because they’ll feel your resentment and you’ll just continue to resent…and there goes a beautiful relationship. That price is too high. I’d rather have a parent or friend a bit disappointed at first, and still have a my own life to enjoy than to go through the rest of my life enslaved to someone else’s will. Life is much to short to give any of it away.