by Marisa Broughton, MCHT, MNLP

We all experience feelings of stress from time to time. Stress is one of those life conditions that we can’t totally eliminate, but we can manage. Stress can also be a self-induced condition because of the way we manage our lives. Frequently we become stressed when we let external events or people push us in directions we are not ready or willing to go in, or at the speed that they want us to go in. When we impose unrealistic expectations upon our selves, often the only result we get is more stress. The good news is that it is within your control to achieve a calmer state of being.

Sometimes circumstance puts us in a race against the clock. In some occupations, such as emergency room workers, police and fire fighters, who never know what they are in for until they are in the middle of it regardless how much they prepare for it. For people who work in stressful occupations, it’s essential to avoid compounding stress in other areas of life. Proper nutrition, sleep and recreation (good use of down-time) helps the brain and body regenerate so you can handle the stress when it occurs. (See the Stress Busting hints later in the article).

Is your inner dialogue consumed with words such as: "must", "should", "shouldn’t" & "need to"?

The word "should" means that there is something that a part of you reasons is the appropriate thing to do, but it’s not something that you want to do. Stress occurs when we place ourselves in situations where there is an incongruence between what we want to do and what we "should" do. The solution is simply that you either "change what you are doing or change what you want or both".

Sometimes the "shoulds " are centered around essential obligations and the choice of not doing them could result in unpleasant circumstances. Take paying bills for example. Most people grumble about paying bills and put it off as long as possible and then resentfully pay the bill at the last minute or when the collection agency begins calling. Some people get a bill and happily pay it. In their mind they are happy to have the service or item they purchased and feel pride in the ability to pay for something. So every time a bill comes, it affirms their self pride and happiness in being able to afford to look after themselves.

It’s a matter of perspective. Say the following words and note the difference in how you feel. Say "I should pay this electricity bill today or else the electric company is going to begin harassing me." Now, say: "I want to pay this bill today and then I can forget about it." Did you notice how the sentence containing "should" caused you to tense up slightly? Did you notice how the second sentence containing the word "want" was motivating?

Are you in the habit of procrastinating? Sometimes deferring tasks until later can relieve stress and sometimes it can cause it. To avoid creating stress, evaluate each situation according to the potential consequences that result from your choice. Ask yourself the following question: "What will happen if I don’t do … today?" You could also ask yourself if doing (or not doing) that activity would likely add stress or reduce stress.

To avoid stressing about meeting deadlines, schedule yourself ample time to complete assignments. Time management is an important tool in managing stress. Day timers, Palm Pilots and white boards are not just for executives, they are useful tools for everyone. Writing down your plans, obligations, due dates etc. in a day timer or even on a white board not only helps you mentally prepare yourself for your day (or week), it also helps you to ensure that you only schedule in enough activities that you have time for. You can schedule in meditation time, alone time as well as activities.

If you follow your true will, you will be free and happy. At first it may appear that this rule gives license to recklessness and even criminal behavior. Think again – if your recklessness or behavior causes someone else harm, I’d say that you were interfering in their will to be healthy and/or happy. If you follow this simple rule of life then you will also avoid being manipulated and controlled by others because if what they want goes against your true will (what you want), then you are free to say, "I’d rather not."

It’s important for you to realize that people often use emotions such as anger, guilt, and even sorrow as a manipulative tool. If this behavior has gotten them results before, they will continue to do it. People tend to do what works. If someone gets you to do what they want by screaming, crying or attempting to guilt you, then you are teaching them exactly how to get you to do what they want. In other words, we teach people (through our actions and reactions) how to treat us.

If someone threatens to withdraw love if you don’t do what they want, then they are trying to manipulate you. If their loves depends on you only doing things that please them, regardless of how you feel about it, then is their love really worth it? I’d question how genuine that love is.

Contrary to popular belief, love is not required to be unconditional. There will always be a condition or conditions which can break the bond of love. Dr. Phil calls those "Deal Breakers". Love is a choice. It is a gift of affection and caring and it is an emotional response to something of value to us.

The clause "unconditional love, in my mind, "translates to – You can do to me whatever you choose and I will still love you. Now there is a stress-causing statement! What if you don’t feel love for that person anymore? What if that person is abusive? Wouldn’t the abused person be better off being free of any love bond to the abuser?

Some people say, "I can’t help who I love and don’t love." That’s not necessarily true because how we think about a "loved one" is a choice. What naturally occurs when people fall out of love is that their thoughts are concentrated on the other person’s faults. When people are in love, they ignore the faults and focus on the things they find appealing about the person. Therefore, if you want to fall out of love or in love with someone, all you need to do is shift your focus and change your perception of that person.

Parents often say that they love their children unconditionally. I wonder if that’s really true or if it’s one of those things that people say because they believe that is what is expected of them? Given, a parent’s love is probably more tolerable than other love relationships. A parent’s love will endure practically all mistakes a child can make. What if that child, growing into an adult becomes abusive to the parent? What if that "child" is cruel and tortures the elderly parent. I know if it was me, love would not be the emotion I would be feeling.

The most important message about love is that it does not come with rights of entitlement. Loving someone does not entitle them to ownership or control over their loved one. Loving someone does not entitle them to use that love as a manipulation tool. Just because love, in reality is conditional – does not entitle anyone to put unreasonable conditions on having that love. Any statement that begins with, "If you love(d) me then you will…" is likely to really end in stress.

Establishing alone time and taking relaxation time for yourself is crucial to your emotional, mental and physical health. If you are a parent, scheduling your alone time is beneficial to you and essential to your emotional well-being. It also makes you a better parent because you are more relaxed. Some parents think that taking alone time is being selfish and neglectful to the children. I couldn’t disagree more. Children learn by example and by taking time for yourself to depressurize, you are teaching your children about self-respect. You are also teaching them that it’s important to take care of yourself. Finally, it sends the message to the children that mom and dad also have needs and that they are expected to be respectful towards the needs of others. It’s such an important lesson to teach children how to be tolerant of the needs of others. Of course, the exceptions are that if there is a genuine emergency, it’s okay to interrupt mom or dad’s alone time.

Some parents teach their children that when mom and dad’s bedroom door is closed, that unless there is an emergency (the house is on fire or the child is injured) mom and dad are to be left alone. This technique is a marriage saver. The same can apply to when you are in the bathroom as well.

1. When a person is stressed, blood pressure increases, the heart pumps faster, adrenal glands secrete adrenaline and cortisol, the brain chemicals that prepare us to fight or flee from danger. Too much stress can lead to adrenal burn out and too much cortisol can lead to a suppressed immune system.

2. A small amount of cortisol stimulates the immune system and inhibits inflammation. Small amounts of cortisol also helps the body deal with allergic reactions.

3. Too much release of cortisol suppresses the immune system causing a drop in DHEA (our anti-aging and immune-enhancing hormone dehydroepiandrosterone).

4. Stress increases acidity in body which leaves the body more prone to infections.

5. Continued stress weakens the body’s ability to return to homeostasis and so the body remains in a physical constant state of alarm.

6. Stress interrupts sleep, which halts the regeneration of the body.

7. Stress lowers serotonin levels which can lead to depression.

8. Stress has been linked to heart disease, cancer, gum disease and autoimmune diseases such as lupus, MS, rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, skin inflammations (hives, eczema, herpes outbreaks).

9. Stress accelerates brain aging and it also harms the brain in the areas of the brain in the areas of learning and memory.

10. Cortisol interferes with NK cells – the cells that kill cancer cells. Too much cortisol in the body increases the risk of getting cancer.

1. Going for a walk is a good form of meditation.

2. Working out rids the body of stress.

3. Strenuous exercise can actually create stress in the body, so you will need to find balance in other areas.

1. Positive self-talk creates new positive neural-programs.

2. Sitting quietly, comfortably and while relaxing visualize a beautiful, calm place. Add sound to your picture. Ensure it is in color. Imagine yourself smelling the sweet fragrance of wild flowers or ozone after a rain shower. Tell yourself what you want. State your affirmation in the positive and present. For example: "Each day, I learn something new and find joy in new areas of my life."

3. Practice yoga, meditate or chant a mantra.

1. A stressed brain has forgotten how to access more relaxed states of mind (such as Alpha or Theta). Light & Sound machines re-train the brain (hence the name "entrainment") and help it access those states easily once again. Sound and light has many profound benefits to both mental and physical health. Machines are inexpensive and portable.

1. Listen to music and relax.

2. Play music and release stress.

3. Sing along to music and release stress and endorphins.

Holistic, Nutrition & Supplements

(Some herbal supplements may have adverse reactions with other medications you are taking. If unsure, check with your doctor or naturopath).

1. Vitamin B

2. Vitamin C

3. Vitamin E & Coenzyme Q10

4. Amino Acids

5. St. John’s Wort

6. Bach Flower Remedies: Rescue Remedy

7. Nerve and Stress (Natural Factors)

8. Camomile Tea

9. Ginseng

10. A drop of Lavender, jasmine or Germal Chamomile in a warm bath.

11. Massage

© 2003, Broughton, M.

 

References

Vanderhaeghe, Lorna. Healthy Immunity: Scientifically Proven Natural Treatments for Conditions from A-Z. Toronto, Canada. Macmillan, 2001.

Lark, Susan and James Richards. The Chemistry of Success. San Francisco, CA. BayBooks, 2000.

Time Life Editors, The Alternative Advisor: A Complete Guide to Natural Therapies & Alternative Treatments. Alexandria, Virginia. Time Life Books, 1997.

Alive Research Group, Siegfried Gurshe, MH & Medical Editor – Zoltan Rona, MD, MSc. Encyclopedia of Natural Healing: A Practical Self-Help Guide. Alive Books, Burnaby, B.C., 1997.